Don't Call It Sleep--Talking to Children About Death
When someone dies, we generally want to shield children from it. Something about their youth and naivety wants us to protect them from death I suppose. Whatever the case, sometimes there's just nothing to be done but to confront it head-on. Personally, I think this should be done in every case, but that's not my decision. In our case, our 10-month old son died, and there was no getting around telling our 3-year-old daughter that her brother was gone. Now, trying to explain to a 3-year-old the concepts of death and dying is tricky. In fact, it's an on-going process that has continued as she grows older and her understanding of life and death changes. But the one thing we were clear about when it happened was that we were not telling her that he just went to sleep.
It seems like a safe and harmless lie. Unfortunately, it's anything but. It actually makes children afraid to fall asleep for fear of dying themselves. Even after we had worked hard at being clear with our daughter about what had happened--even had our son die at home under palliative care rather than at the hospital so she wouldn't have to wonder what happened, or fill her head full of all kinds of strange tales--some well-meaning person said those magic words, "He just went to sleep, honey." We were firm the minute we heard them. "No, he did not go to sleep. He died. You and I go to sleep at the end of the day when we are tired. It's what bodies do when they need rest. Bubba was sick and his heart gave out and he died." She may not have known what "died" meant, but she knew it was different than sleeping and that was a very important distinction. One that made bedtime easier to manage.
Please, do not sabotage a child's ability to sleep simply because you lack the vocabulary to talk about death with them. There are some simple rules to follow that can make the discussion more comfortable. Don't lie to them. Be honest. You can use simple phrases like, "He's gone away for a long time," or "She's not coming back." Use terms like "died" and avoid the vagaries of "passed on" or "passed away" because that generally will only cause more confusion. If they ask why they died, you can stick to "We don't know why she had to go," or "Her body just gave out" depending on the circumstances. If you share the child's religious upbringing, you may make an appropriate comment such as, "She's gone to heaven," or something similarly innocuous. Do not say "God needed another angel." This makes God sound greedy to children who don't understand why God needed to take their special person. And remember, you don't have to have an answer to every question a child has. If you need time to come up with a good answer, to find a good book, to find a counselor, or if there really is no answer, just stick with "I don't know." The child will really only remember that you took the time to listen and that's the most important thing.
And most of the time when we're talking to kids around death, we're just saying something to be comforting, not because they are asking us a question. If we're the one instigating the contact, we have a duty not to make things more complicated or difficult than they already are, in which case, it's time to stick to the tried and true: "I'm so sorry you lost your grandma." "I know you miss your brother. I miss him too." "It must hurt that your auntie is gone. I hurt, too" "This stinks." "May I give you a hug?" (Respect their answer, especially if it's no.) We can all comfort children in times of death, we just need to be careful about how we go about it. If we just think a little bit about what we're doing, we all end up in a better space when we're done.
