Getting the Rage Out
I previously blogged about my difficulty with tantrums when I was younger. The truth is, I was a pretty emotional kid. I cried pretty easily also had difficulty with rage and impulse control. At least twice, I got angry at the taunting from the kid sitting in front of me and took my 3-inch-thick textbook and hit them on the top of their head with it. (Needless to say, I am very lucky the world was not as litigious back then). I finally managed to get my rage, and indeed most of my emotions, under control, but at a cost. I pushed them all down and got lots of stomach and digestive issues as a result.
Even worse, I haven't ever really figured out how to get them back out. They come out now and then when I'm completely overwhelmed, or too tired to stop them, but most of the time, they stay stuck way down. So far, I've managed to do a pretty good job teaching Mira constructive ways to "get the angries out." I just haven't been able to do it myself.
I've also been struggling recently with the discovery that I have a lot of rage and guilt inside of me. I am angry that Patrick died and feel guilty for causing his problems. Oddly, I'm not second-guessing our decisions with respect to hospice. No, I'm second-guessing our decision to have him in the first place. Was I being greedy? Was my determination to have another child worth it? Should I have just been happy with Mira and not tried so hard? If I could have accepted that, he wouldn't have had such a difficult life. This is not to say I wish I hadn't had him. He has given me so much, and I would not trade the good memories for anything. I just worry that he made the best of a bad situation and that he wishes he hadn't been here. I wish I could talk to him and ask--make sure he's okay with everything. Part of me believes that he signed up for it--that he knew how it was going to be going into it, but I worry that I only tell myself that to make it easier on myself.
Bigger than the guilt, though, is the rage, the anger that he is gone. My head knows that being angry isn't going to change anything, but I still have this rage boiling inside of me that needs a way out. I know this isn't fair. I know I've been dealt a crappy hand. Screaming, "It's not fair," and tossing breakable items will not change that, but trying to think my way out of having the emotions isn't working. I've realized that pretending the rage isn't there isn't going to fix it.
I remember some years back seeing a morning news show talking someone in California started a business where people could buy plates and glasses and smash them. I wish someone had a place like that around here; I would totally go. I want to do something like this, but I need some place where I won't scare anyone. I can't just grab some plates and smash them in my driveway without raising some eyebrows. I thought about asking my friend if I could come to her woods and beat some trees with sticks to get it out. I don't know. I'm not really sure what to try. I just know I need to do something. I need to get this rage out of me so I can move forward and not do any more damage to myself by holding it in. What say you readers--any suggestions?
Even worse, I haven't ever really figured out how to get them back out. They come out now and then when I'm completely overwhelmed, or too tired to stop them, but most of the time, they stay stuck way down. So far, I've managed to do a pretty good job teaching Mira constructive ways to "get the angries out." I just haven't been able to do it myself.
I've also been struggling recently with the discovery that I have a lot of rage and guilt inside of me. I am angry that Patrick died and feel guilty for causing his problems. Oddly, I'm not second-guessing our decisions with respect to hospice. No, I'm second-guessing our decision to have him in the first place. Was I being greedy? Was my determination to have another child worth it? Should I have just been happy with Mira and not tried so hard? If I could have accepted that, he wouldn't have had such a difficult life. This is not to say I wish I hadn't had him. He has given me so much, and I would not trade the good memories for anything. I just worry that he made the best of a bad situation and that he wishes he hadn't been here. I wish I could talk to him and ask--make sure he's okay with everything. Part of me believes that he signed up for it--that he knew how it was going to be going into it, but I worry that I only tell myself that to make it easier on myself.
Bigger than the guilt, though, is the rage, the anger that he is gone. My head knows that being angry isn't going to change anything, but I still have this rage boiling inside of me that needs a way out. I know this isn't fair. I know I've been dealt a crappy hand. Screaming, "It's not fair," and tossing breakable items will not change that, but trying to think my way out of having the emotions isn't working. I've realized that pretending the rage isn't there isn't going to fix it.
I remember some years back seeing a morning news show talking someone in California started a business where people could buy plates and glasses and smash them. I wish someone had a place like that around here; I would totally go. I want to do something like this, but I need some place where I won't scare anyone. I can't just grab some plates and smash them in my driveway without raising some eyebrows. I thought about asking my friend if I could come to her woods and beat some trees with sticks to get it out. I don't know. I'm not really sure what to try. I just know I need to do something. I need to get this rage out of me so I can move forward and not do any more damage to myself by holding it in. What say you readers--any suggestions?