Myths About Grief
Photo Credit: Ava Sol
Everyone will, in their lifetime, experience grief. Some experience it sooner than others, and everyone processes it differently. But there are some really big myths out there that I would like to dispel. First, though, we have to talk about what is grief.
Merriam-Webster defines grief as, among other things, "deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement," "a cause of such suffering," and "an unfortunate outcome." For me, grief is caused by the loss of something important and loved. Thus, the loss of a job, the breakup of a relationship or marriage, the loss of a home to a fire, infertility. All of these things can cause grief. Now that you know my definition of grief, we can dispel some myths about it.
1) MYTH: Grief has a timeline. REALITY: There is no timeline for grief. Some people grieve quickly and some slowly. Some people have a long, slow illness that allows their family time to grieve while they are still living. Other people die suddenly and the loss is so unexpected that the grieving takes a long time to come to terms with. Plus, everyone is different and grieves differently, so there is no way to say what the right amount of time for grief really is.
2) MYTH: After the first year, people should be better. REALITY: Most people have barely come up for air after the first year. This is related to the first. For people who have lost someone, they have only just dealt with each anniversary and holiday once. The loss is still fresh. They are probably still reeling from the fact that most people are expecting them to be normal and most of the support has disappeared.
3) MYTH: You finish grieving. REALITY: Grief is a process you move through and it never really ends. You don't just "get over it." The hard parts get softer and the painful parts become gentler, but there are always memories and scents and things that sneak up on you at times and places you don't expect. Loss never really goes away. It always stays with you. It just becomes another part of you and you move along with it.
4) MYTH: Don't remind a person of their deceased loved one. REALITY: DO remind a person of their deceased loved one. They want to know that their loved one is remembered. It makes them happy to know that there are memories of that person floating around in other people's hearts and minds. Or, as my friend Kate put it, "knowing someone else remembers and honors our loved one is very welcome."
5) MYTH: One size fits all. REALITY: Everyone is different. This goes along with some of the others, but bears repeating. No two people will grieve the same way. Not even if they are grieving the exact same loss. Couples often experience this as a tension in their marriages when they lose a child. They do not see their spouse grieving the lost child because the grieving is not the same as theirs. Don't assume you know what grieving should look like or how long it should last. It is deeply personal. Understand that the griever must experience grief in their own way.